Leaving the past behind

 

I came from a non-Christian background and there was lots of unhappiness when growing up as my mum suffered with depression and my dad had a complete breakdown. I became my mum’s emotional support when I was about 12 and so had to grow up really quickly. 

 

I spent a lot of time on my own as there was no-one to turn to as I was growing up and I found myself just talking to God from around this age. I begged my mum to let me go to church but I didn’t get to go until I could get there myself at 15. 

 

From as far back as I can remember I had no sense of worth or self-esteem and actually hated myself. Lots of things happened and were said to me that helped me grow up believing that I was worthless and no good. Instead of turning to God though, I thought that I might begin to like myself and feel accepted if I achieved academically, and got thinner. 

 

I failed my A Levels but after working for a few years I gave up work, and went back to college because deep down I believed I was capable. Once I realised that I had found a way to feel better about myself, I became obsessive about getting A grades and also developed an eating disorder. I remember opening up my A Level results and they meant nothing to me as I had become an empty shell and life was just black and desperate.

 

I went to University in my mid 20’s and plummeted even further with depression and eating problems and couldn’t continue (although I did go back a year later). I went off to spend some time abroad working on a mission ship and one night on the ship I was filled with an intense sense of evil and darkness. It was so intense that I cried out to God for Him to take it away and instantly, I was filled with the most amazing peace and sense of His presence. It was then that my faith became alive and I gradually realised that God loved and accepted me just as I was. This helped me to realise that perhaps other people might like me, and finally I learnt to like and accept myself.

 

I got married to a Christian man and together we worked for Christian Missions manly in Africa and Asia. My husband was a well respected Local Preacher for the Methodist Church and helped me lots in developing my faith. Unfortunately, when we were working in Bangladesh, I found out that he was living a double life and he was thrown out of the Mission for Gross Misconduct. In that one moment when I discovered his secret, my life just seemed to shatter and I lost everything. We had to pull out of our work in Bangladesh very quickly. I lost my home, my calling, my marriage, my health, I had no money, no-where to live and I lost contact with most of my friends as the Mission, and my husband had told me not to tell anyone what had happened. I wasn’t even allowed to tell my parents and so life became very lonely and shrouded in a terrible silence.

 

I became very confused about Christians and once again turned to my old ways of eating to get some control back into my life and so got very ill again. It was similar to when people turn to alcohol or drugs, anything except turning to God just offers a temporary solution, but always brings lasting pain. 

 

My marriage ended when my husband told me that he couldn’t give up what he was doing and in the end I just had to run away from him, and I’ve not seen him since.

 

I limped around in the wilderness for the next 7 years feeling lost and broken. I never stopped loving God but was completely confused about Christians. I tried several times to go back to church but I felt like a failed missionary and a second rate Christian and some Christians made me feel like this too and I felt very hurt by them. 

 

The enemy took full advantage of how I was feeling and used every tactic to keep me away from church and reminded me that I was no good. I believed so many of his lies and felt dirty, ashamed and worthless because of what my husband had done, but also because I had been living my own way, away from God. The saddest thing was that these beliefs kept me away from the God that I loved and I really believed that He would never want to use me again. Again the old eating disorder flared up and several times I just wanted to fade away into nothing and have an end to all the struggle.

 

So many times, like I did here, I would get to a church door and then just turn away, get back in my car in tears and drive home feeling completely lost. 

 

I sat down and wrote a list one day of all that I missed in life like peace, hope, joy and purpose and like a light going on I realised that all of these things I had had before with God and it made me realise how long I had been away from Him, and without Him there is no true peace, hope, joy etc. 

 

Thankfully, I got to the point when my longing to come back home to God became stronger than my fear of having to face all the pain and confusion that I was dragging around, and I started an Alpha course at Wellspring Family Church. I have always had a passion for Alpha and have set up and ran courses here and overseas, but this time it was me that was in need of doing the course! 

 

I remember my first evening on Alpha, I must have looked terrified! After the course that evening, I sat with Jon and Nicky and for the first time in years, through them, I saw a reflection of God’s love and acceptance. It was like the fog lifted from my eyes and I got the most beautiful glimpse of how God saw me and of the person I could once again become. I felt whole and clean again, just for that moment. It was this glimpse that gave me hope and set me back on the path to Him.

 

I thought that I had forgiven the people that had hurt me in the past but Jon and Nicky helped me to realise that to protect myself, I had completely shut off any feelings of hurt or anger. They helped me to see that I was unable to truly forgive until I had allowed myself to feel the anger and acknowledge the hurt. Up until then, I had just turned it in on myself in the self-destructive ways I’ve described, and this had led to depression. I have learnt that it is only when we truly forgive (like we have been forgiven by God) that we can be truly free.

 

I felt that God had given me two promises that I’ve held onto for all those years even though they seemed impossible, but God delights in doing the impossible. The first one was from Joel 2:25, He promised to:

 

 

and from Isaiah 61:3

 

 “I will give beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a 

 garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”

I can testify to the fact that God never lets us go. Even if we walk away from Him He waits and longs for us to return. It’s an amazing thing when you are either new to God or if you have been away from Him, the way, in love and forgiveness, He comes out running to meet us with open arms, and brings us home. In Him there is healing and restoration that can’t be found anywhere else.

 

I’d like to say that I am completely free from feeling discouraged or being sensitive about eating etc but on low days, I remind myself that His grace is sufficient. I know that my sense of worth is based on my identity in Christ and not on my past and I choose to believe what He says about me and live in the freedom of His forgiveness. 

 

I know that in His love and gentle touch, He is changing me day by day and I believe that He has a plan and a purpose for me again.